Unique Elements

I had always hated Jez, hated him since I first set eyes on his crumpled face. Something about the way his greasy forehead sloped back to the tight curls of black hair and his lips were in a continual state of sneering flux. Five days a week I had to work with him – 37½ hours of his whining voice – and knowing what he did to that poor girl. It’s not surprising – I did what I had to.

Spare fluffy eye in a skull

Spare eye, skull and fluffule

Modern Substitute

There is only so much anyone can take before they break – a string may produce the sweetest tone but as age takes its toll there comes a point that the over-stretched and twisted gut comes apart. I have reached that point – the moment of fracture still smarting from the whip of the string’s release – a red lash burned across the back of my hand.

Needles stuck through blue card

Needles

Why are all the Actuaries South African?

In a geological fault far beneath the Cape of Good Hope, an international port of great distinction, lays a rare element called Actuarium. This chemical is removed from the ground by pumping trained ants into the earth which forces a quartz-like substance to the surface. This material is then refined through a complex wet-chemical process to produce only milligrams of the pure element. By a fortuitous coincidence, the Cape is the only location in the world where injection moulding of sentience is permitted. Hence in 1947 a factory was set up by Charles Austin Vanderbeek, which utilised the unique properties of Actuarium and the superb plasticity of elephant dung and straw. By 1949 the factory was producing a steady stream of cheap affordable actuaries. Little has changed over the years and the company still uses the same hand-finishing techniques to supply almost 96% of the worlds demand for actuaries.

– Graphite Capsule

Twenty-five uses for Mung Beans

Accelerating the absorption of muons, concealing love poems, indicating pH levels, reducing swede paste, fattening theses, assimilating data, neutralising prunes, instigating sex, stiffening abrasive disks, derailing trains, aerating mullet, oiling petals, tightening nuts, housing weevils, tempting the pure, opening gifts, locking files, cracking lentils, grinding wheat, nailing Plasticine, irradiating vegetables, deceiving lovers, assessing quantities, osculating kittens, and lubricating flesh.

– Graphite Capsule

Prose Poem No. 180295: CAMRA approved

I wrote this piece with no particular direction in mind. It contains a cello, two pierced tongues and a cerise platypus. Since there is no cellist the components of the poem called it quits and went for a pint of real ale. The pub was busy but the beer was worth the wait.

– Graphite Capsule